Bishop's Blog

Hello Dr. Foreman. I hope this finds you well. I actually wrote everything I wanted to say, but my internet decided to refresh itself and it all erased! But, I will try again. I have this friend at school. She has been with this guy for over a year now. It’s been awhile since I have expressed to her that I don’t think he is good for her, but she hasn’t listened. I mean, the stories I hear from her are what I see in Tyler Perry Movies, except without the happy ending. I have told her for months now that she needs to put herself first, instead of the guy that is destroying her. Today, she revealed to me that she has fallen into depression, and thinks about dying, and even attempted to jump from a balcony, but her “boyfriend” stopped her. Instead of asking her what’s going on, all he said to her was that if she did that again, he would break up with her. After that, he took her to her house for her to be alone with herself, but that is not half the story. When she told me, it really did break my heart, but it also made me so angry. It’s almost like I hear the same story from her, and I tell her over and over again, but she still doesn’t see the problem. It has me wondering what she will do every time she is alone. I have tried to make her realize her self-worth, but he has sucked the life out of her and has her blaming herself for all his actions. I have told her everything I have had to say. She has been seeing a counselor, but I don’t know how much that is helping, if any. It’s funny how misconstrued the word “love” is, because she tells me she loves him and that he loves her, but I know that God is love and love is God, and He would not allow no such thing. I have prayed for her, and will continue to due so. However, I have been hesitant to talk to her about God, since she is Muslim, so I don’t want to offend her or disrespect her religion. I am writing this to see if you have any advice on how I should go about this situation.  

I know I have a lot of run-on sentences, but thank you for taking the time to listen, and I hope to hear from you soon. 

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Shalom!

I’m so glad that you sent this question in because I believe many people have friends that are in similar situations and they aren’t sure what to do. Now is the PERFECT time to talk with her about the fact that Jesus loves her. People are often open to God when they walk through valleys in life. Here’s how I’d suggest handling this situation:

1. Pray that God would give you the words to say to her. Sometimes it’s not that our words have to be “deep” or even profound. Sometimes simple is the best. God will put the words in your mouth to say to her.
    
2. Use this as a time to share a testimony of something that Jesus has done for you. Your job isn’t to convert her to Christianity nor to convict her. That’s God’s job. Your job is to just tell her the good news that Jesus died for her sin and that He died so that she can have abundant life and leave the rest up to God.
    
3. Be kind to her & encourage her.  Maybe even give her the Relationship Revolution series, which can speak directly to her situation.

Sometimes we need to be reminded of what real love is all about. Many people rush into relationships because they are burning with passion and with physical lust and they confuse that lust for genuine love. You’ve heard people say that they “fell in love.” The problem with falling in to love is that you may trip and fall out of love. Love is not a feeling or an emotion. The emotion associated with love is called compassion. Compassion is being moved to care for someone or something that you love, but love itself is a choice. The Bible defines love in several places, but 1^st Corinthians 13:4-8 AMPLIFIED is one of the most popular:

⁴Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily. ⁵It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. ⁶It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail. ⁷Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. ⁸Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or comes to an end]. As for prophecy (^[d]the gift of interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away [it will lose its value and be superseded by truth].

When you say that you love someone, those attributes should come forth. Those attributes are the fruit of love. They are proof that you are walking in love. When you say you love someone, you are saying that you decide to be patient, you decide to be kind and sometimes that means doing things that the other person may feel are “too tough.”
Let’s be clear, love is not a doormat. It’s not foolish. It’s not ignorant and it’s not blind. In a relationship, if you find that someone chooses not to love you but rather abuse you, use wisdom. Don’t allow yourself to be dogged out in the name of “love.” That’s foolishness.

Domestic Violence affects so many relationships around the world and especially in the U.S. It is never God’s will or desire that anyone be a victim of domestic violence. There is no such thing as doing something to deserve domestic violence and as believers we must be educated. 

Below we have obtained information that provides resources and further information. Source: Mid-Valley Women’s Crisis Service 

If you think your husband or boyfriend is abusive, or you suspect that someone you know is in an abusive relationship, review the red flags of domestic violence and abuse listed in this article. Recognizing the warning signs and symptoms of spousal abuse is the first step to breaking free.If you’re afraid for your immediate safety, call 911. For help and advice on escaping an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224. Domestic Violence and Abuse Special note:Although men also suffer from domestic abuse and violence, women are five to eight times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner. Because men are more often the abusers, abusers are referred to as “he” in this article. Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” He uses fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and gain complete power over you. He may threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence. Victims of domestic abuse or domestic violence may be men or women, although women are more commonly victimized. It happens within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and financial levels. The abuse may occur during a relationship, while the couple is breaking up, or after the relationship has ended. Despite what many people believe, domestic violence is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his behavior. In fact, violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to take control over his wife or partner. 

Violent Behavior is an Abuser’s Choice. Reasons we know an abuser’s behavior are not about anger and rage:

• He does not batter other individuals - the boss who does not give him time off or the gas station attendant that spills gas down the side of his car. He waits until there are no witnesses and abuses the person he says he loves.
• If you ask an abused woman, “can he stop when the phone rings or the police come to the door?” She will say “yes”. Most often when the police show up, he is looking calm, cool and collected and she is the one who may look hysterical. If he were truly “out of control” he would not be able to stop himself when it is to his advantage to do so.
• The abuser very often escalates from pushing and shoving to hitting in places where the bruises and marks will not show. If he were “out of control” or “in a rage” he would not be able to direct or limit where his kicks or punches land.